I know that people are depending on me, but I just can’t set my mind back to the boring drudgery of actual work when I still have the inspirational words of Barack Obama’s address to the Democratic National Convention rattling in my head like an uplifting dryer ball of hope.
Despite not living up to the great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency in last year’s speech, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)
The Pope did lots of things during his visit to America. Chuckled with Jim Gaffigan. Addressed Congress. Met a Baby Pope. And that was all well and good. But it’s his meeting with Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis that has left people with questions. Questions such as: wait, he met with Kim Davis? Why? What? Why? What the hell were they talking about?
It has always been my position that killing animals that are handsome, adorable, or elegant is morally wrong. The only animals that should be killed are ones that are mildly annoying like flies or delicious like wherever hamburgers come from.
So when news broke that the most evil dentist since Christian Szell killed a handsome lion, the reaction was swift, unanimous and correct: fuck that guy. Considering Dr. Walter Palmer, DDS may face extradition to Zimbabwe, and that his best-case scenario is remaining America in a quasi-Twilight Zone state where he is free, but imprisoned by the universal hatred of his neighbors and former friends, his life is certainly ruined. We did it!
The biggest controversy so far of the Hillary Clinton campaign has been the “Clinton Cash” scandal. Peter Schweitzer wrote a book with that same title (and this menacing cover), in which he pointed out the fact that the Clinton Global Initiative basically took whatever money it could get its hands on, often from people who were either evil foreign dictators or who stood to benefit from specific legislation. They also squeezed the money out of their friends! (Actually, I suppose the dictators also become your friends when you take their money).
So if we now know know where the Clinton Ca$h is coming from, the question is, where is it going? Fortunately I was able to get my hands on a pie chart that shows exactly where the Clinton Global Initiative’s money is being spent:
It seems like this controversy is mostly blown out of proportion, except for the pantsuits. That is and always was a misuse of funding.
As 2015 fast approaches is here, what better time is there than now to set down some predictions? I guess maybe a couple weeks ago.
After yet another bill of his doesn’t pass, Barack Obama will wait out the rest of his term out in Hawaii and hope nobody notices. For six weeks or so, nobody does.
Norway and Finland will go to war; Sweden will feel super awkward about it.
There will be roughly one major parade every two months.
The horribly destructive Hurricane Kyler will remind everyone that kids these days have names like “Kyler.”
I will pretend to have read thoughtful essays on the 50th anniversary of: The Great Society, Vietnam, Vietnam and the Great Society, Winston Churchill’s death, Malcolm X’s death, how the deaths of Malcolm X and Winston Churchill are related, the march on Selma, In Cold Blood, Dylan going electric, and the Voting Rights Act.
I will actually read about the 50th anniversary of: the US occupation of the Dominican Republic (that happened?), Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston, and the Watts riots.
The top grossing movie will be How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days, marking Matthew McConaughey’s triumphant return to the “terrible rom-com” genre.
A coach will give a speech so powerful at halftime of a game that his team will go on to win the game. Not the game their playing against their opponent–they’ll lose that in heartbreaking, but inspiring fashion as their last play comes up just short. No, no, they’ll go on to win the game OF LIFE.
A new iPhone will come out that will be a slightly different size. Perhaps more importantly, Siri will learn what you humans call love. Also, maybe it’ll be able to like, load stuff more quickly. That’d be neat.
North Korea will launch a massive cyber-attack against Arby’s’s servers (what’s the possessive of a possessive?) for stealing their Decaying Cow Brains recipe.
There will be a major news story involving a koala kidnapping. I’m not sure if the koala is being kidnapped or doing the kidnapping, but either way, it’ll be adorable.
Climate change will be revealed to have been the result of a wacky roommate accidentally messing up his scientist buddy’s data.
Sarah Palin won’t return, which’ll be nice.
There will be a weight loss craze that avoids dogmatic rules, but is instead centered around eating a reasonably diverse diet consisting primarily of fruits and vegetables, with portions of meat to gain protein. It’ll pass quickly in favor of The Diabsleepies Diet, in which you intentionally disable your pancreas in the belief that it gives off anti-nutritious toxins by snorting a line of Pixy Stix before bed.
While it can take years and years to make a movie, it only takes like two hours to watch one, so I saw a whole bunch this year. While I didn’t love all of them, I bet some of you will!
You should see this movie if you…
Stories We Tell (2012, USA)
Fantasize about having a different biological dad.
Her (2013, USA)
Eagerly await robosex.
Short Term 12 (2013, USA)
Want to believe those ragtag, troubled youths are going to make it after all.
The Class (2008, France)
Want to believe those ragtag, troubled French youths are going to make it after all.
Frances Ha (2012, USA)
Believe Greta Gerwig may be adorable and want to spend two hours testing whether or not that really is the case.
Philomena (2013, UK)
Believe Dame Judi Dench may be adorable and want to spend two hours testing whether or not that really is the case.
The Act of Killing (2013, Norway/Denmark/UK)
Want to see the movie with the most “holy shit” moments per minute. In case you’re not familiar, this movie is a documentary in which actual killers re-enacting their killings in the style of various film genres.
Breaking The Waves (1996, Denmark)
Want to see something super morally reprehensible. Every year I end up talking myself into watching a Lars von Trier movie, and every year I end up angry at having spent a long-ass time only to end up quaking with rage at the horrible implications of the events that transpire. In the case of Breaking The Waves, the moral of the story is ostensibly that you should follow your own path toward faith rather than that of a dogmatic church, but what this works out to in practice is that you should always do exactly as your husband tells you, even if it literally means going onto a pirate ship with the explicit intention of being raped to death.
The Hunt (2012, Denmark)
Want to see something marginally less morally reprehensible than Breaking The Waves. For having produced Borgen, AKA the Greatest TV Show Evar, Denmark sure has come up with some objectionable-ass movies. This one’s basically about how children are always going around accusing adults of raping them and we shouldn’t believe them.
Sightseers (2012, UK)
Believe a boring couples vacation can be livened up with a bunch of random, gratuitous murders.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (2013, USA)
Saw the first Hunger Games and thought, “You know what would make the sequel perfect? If nothing whatsoever was different!”
Gravity (2012, USA)
Hate movies with accurate titles. All they do is float! Honestly, the only way this could be topped is if 12 Years a Slave were called Unionized Workspace.
Flight (2012, USA)
Love accurate movie titles. It’s “Flight”, not “Flights” for a reason. This movie has exactly one exciting flight scene followed by fifty boring drinking scenes.
My Winnipeg (2007, Canada)
Want to believe that the most popular TV show in Winnipeg is one in which an oversensitive man takes offense at something and then needs to be talked out of suicide. I mean, it might be true.
12 Years a Slave (2013, USA)
Want to see Brad Pitt play cast himself in the most self-indulgent role in film history.