The concept of What’s Worse for America is pretty simple. Two things are presented, and a debate is held to decide which of the two is worse for America. Today’s showdown: that Kim Kardashian will have a role in a Tyler Perry movie vs. the return of the McRib. As always, the outcome of this debate is highly scientific and not to be questioned. First, the defense of Kim Kardashian.
I understand that Kim Kardashian is horrible, and is only famous for banging professional athletes in private and Ray J on film. And I know that Tyler Perry, despite being the–am I reading this right?–highest paid man in entertainment, is um, not highly regarded in critical circles. By which I mean, he has been called “the KFC of black cinema,” which, by my reckoning, is an insult (who knew?).
So, OK. These two have their detractors, and very well may deserve them. But let’s be honest here. The question at hand is this: is Kim Kardashian’s performance in a Tyler Perry movie going to ruin your experience of that movie? The answer of course, is a resounding no. I’m guessing you didn’t even know that Kim Kardashian has already been in a few movies. You know why? Because you’re the type of person that will read the third paragraph of a word-based article, and therefore are not all that likely to have paid to go see Disaster Movie.
The case against the Kardashian-Perry collabo rests on two somewhat contradictory points: the first is that the two of them working together will make something so bad that it will literally rip a hole in the space-time continuum at which point we’ll all be given the Ludovico Treatment to episodes of Khloe & Lamar Take Miami. This scenario stands no more than a 33% chance of actually happening. The advertising might be annoying for a little bit, but you know, seeing Kim Kardashian on the side of a bus now and again isn’t going to kill you.
The other scenario involves you actually seeing this movie. You will not see this movie the same way you didn’t see From Justin to Kelly, Gigli, and Catwoman. Again, you’ve now read into the fifth paragraph of a thing. You know better. What’s more likely is that this move will come, go, be forgotten and nobody will ever hear about it. Remember Paris Hilton’s acting in House of Wax? Of course you don’t! Nobody saw that movie and it fell to the ground harmlessly like an acorn falling from a tree. The Marriage Counselor, as this movie is called, will do the same.
Second, the defense of the McRib.
I’m not a fancy big city lawyer, but I know a few things. America is a free country. You can’t pick your family. Springtime is when a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. And the McRib is an important American tradition. It inspired a Simpsons episode, for chrissakes! Now, I know what you’re saying: my McRib is not going to be as delicious and succulent as the one pictured above. True enough. But still, you’ll get a very flat-looking sandwich, some pickles, and what appears to be boneless rib meat. How do they get it off the bone and into the sandwich? Nobody knows.
The McRib appeared for a limited time last year, for the first time in 16 long, horrible years, and it increased McDonald’s sales by 4.8% last November. That may not seem like a ton, but considering that McDonald’s has served a billion people, that’s a lot of goddamn McRibs, OK? People want what they want, and people want the McRib. To disallow good, hardworking this momentary pleasure, this joy of all joys, just because it “has 500 calories, 26 grams of fat and 980 milligrams of sodium” is patronizing and mean-spirited. Sometimes people just want to have a goddamn sandwich of an indeterminate meat origin, slather it in some barbecue sauce, put it on that kind of bread that is really fun to press down on with both hands, and eat it. To take that away from people is to take away a bird’s wings.
Besides, at just 500 calories, a reasonably-sized person can eat four McRibs per day (that’s one per meal, plus a wild card!) without any ill effects. No reasonable person can disagree.
The verdict: While the Kardashian/Perry thing is likely to be abysmal, there is actually a small chance someone you know might drag you to a McDonald’s at which point you have no choice but to eat a McRib. And you will probably find it delicious. The loser of this round of What’s Worse for America is that Kim Kardashian will have a role in a Tyler Perry movie.