Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick! (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will be brief. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

  • His acting evokes chucking hot dogs at professional golfers.
  • He wisely decided that Canadian accents are fine–if you’re a goddamn pansy.
  • Hey girl.
  • He was in that not-very-good movie Blue Valentine which had the most cunnilingus of any movie ever made, ever. But at least it had some good music and a character named Bobby Ontario.
  • He’s half-man, half-pancake.
  • Starred with Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez and Christina Aguilera on The Mickey Mouse Club, but somehow managed to not have an enormously successful career as a boy/girl band person. Perhaps because he is the single worst singer in the world.
  • I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.”
  • It doesn’t seem like he’s been in what you would call “a lot of good movies.”

It should’ve been you, Gosling. It should’ve been you.

And for that matter, here’s who should’ve won this International SexyMan award (whose name I don’t want to look up) since they started giving it away in 1985:

  • 2011: Ryan Gosling
  • 2010: Breckin Meyer
  • 2009: Salman Rushdie
  • 2008: The guy from Aqua. No, not the bald one, the other one.
  • 2007: Lance Bass
  • 2006: You
  • 2005: Marion Barry
  • 2004: Kevin Sorbo
  • 2003: Michelin Man
  • 2002: François Mitterand
  • 2001: No award given (9/11)
  • 2000: Strom Thurmond
  • 1999: Mayor McCheese
  • 1998: Yahoo Serious
  • 1997: Coolio
  • 1996: French Stewart
  • 1995: David Duke
  • 1994: Sir Richard Attenborough
  • 1993: Joey Buttafuoco
  • 1992: Joey Lawrence
  • 1991: J.D. Salinger
  • 1990: Young MC
  • 1989: Tracy Chapman
  • 1988: Lloyd Bentsen
  • 1987: James Watson & Francis Crick
  • 1986: Gary Larson
  • 1985: Tenzing Norgay


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