You know the drill. No prologue, let’s get into it.
1. New Orleans Hornets – Anthony Davis
They’re obviously taking Anthony Davis, aka The Brow™. They showed some his high school “gym” which was like a single Sportcourt-esque hoop. Just one hoop? Did they play home games? I kinda like the idea of the NBA having a few halfcourt games each year–shake things up.
And how crappy were his high school teammates? According to the limited data I could find, his high school team was the 8699th best in the country. And they had The Brow! I should note that MaxPreps lists only Davis on the roster, so it’s possible that he played one-on-five all year, which makes the 4-11 record a little more understandable.
Oh, and Davis’ mom is named Erainer. Her Facebook page is the first thing that turns up if you Google “erainer,” so, that’s obviously a made up name. Unsurprisingly, most of her posts are about her son and include #proudmom. That’s nice.
2. Charlotte Bobcats -Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, F, Kentucky
Oh good, the obligatory “Bobcats are terrible” montage. And a friendly reminder that they hired some St. John’s assistant to be their head coach.
I think I want Kidd-Gilchrist to succeed more than anyone else in this draft. Why? The most moving thing I’ve seen in the past year was in HBO’s documentary of Kidd-Gilchrist’s high school team Prayer for a Perfect Season. Shortly after the death of his uncle/father figure Darren Kidd, Kidd-Gilchrist is lying with his mother and telling her that after the death of his uncle and mentor, he’s not sure if he believes in God anymore. I’m not even religious (at all!) but I so desperately want this soon-to-be millionaire to re-find his faith in God. Let’s move on before I get verklempt.
3. Washington Wizards – Bradley Beal, G, Florida
Three freshman in a row! I won’t be held responsible. JVG and Broussard are making reference to the Wiz’s knucklehead factor, and saying that they’ve made an effort to you know, eliminate that. Sure, but I mean, they still employ local Lapdance Tuesday host Andray Blatche.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers – Dion Waiters, Syracuse
A wha???? Shocker! So, I guess Thomas Robinson is the early slider of this draft. Waiters came off the bench and averaged 12 points per game. That sounds like a top-4 pick to me. Can his nickname be Dion “The Kukoces” Waiters? Please?
5. Sacramento Kings – Thomas Robinson, Kansas
Wait, Robinson’s in a custody battle for his little sister? And we’re sending him to go be around Tyreke Evans and DeMarcus Cousins, who was last seen congratulating The Jimmer on losing his virginity? They’ll all get along great. Nonetheless, a very nice moment for Thomas Robinson who sheds our first tears.
This human moment is followed by an entirely uncomfortable interview with his sister, which consists a sad-seeming 7-year-old girl noting that Sacramento is “far away from home” and that, contrary to Heather Cox’s claims, Sacramento is not in fact close to Disneyland.
6. Portland Trail Blazers – Damian Lillard, Weber State
Hold it down for the Bay reppin’ Oakland! This guy is my age but I honestly don’t even remember hearing about him. His team came in fourth in the six-team OAL, regularly getting worked by (his Weber State teammate) Frank Otis’ McClymonds. This seems like the kind of thing that might be a red flag for a top-six pick, but what do I know?
7. Golden State Warriors – Harrison “Good News” Barnes, North Carolina
I’m into this! I don’t really care about the obvious positional fit because if you’re in the top-7, you should be taking best guy on the board. But… he’s not Andre Drummond! I mean, if he’s a much, much better Marvin Williams, isn’t that a decent pick here? And he’s clearly better than Marvin Williams. He’s definitely better than Marvin Williams. At least, I’m going to keep telling myself that. And the Warriors are no longer undersized on the wings with Barnes and Thompson. I guess this means the end of Dorell Wright’s hyper-earnest, eye contact-filled postgame interviews, which is sad.
8. Toronto Raptors -Terrence Ross, Washington
This makes sense. Toronto’s a good place for a somewhat anonymous player to go. I’m disappointed by Andre Drummond’s fall. It’s not too long ago he was supposed to be a top-3 pick. Now he can’t even be more of a bust than Patrick O’Bryant. JVG opts to call their pick last year “the big kid from Lithuania” rather than take a stab at saying Jonas Valanciunas.
9. Detroit Pistons – Andre Drummond, UConn
The red flags on Drummond are obvious. Inconsistent effort and general offensive incompetence. Sure. But having watched Rudy Gay seem like he hated basketball while he was at UConn and then turn into a very good NBA player really makes me question whether Jim Calhoun being a huge jerk just rubs some people the wrong way. Seems possible enough, right? Also, Andre gave us the second tears of the night and mentioned that “Connecticut’s a great state.”
10. New Orleans Hornets – Austin Rivers, Duke
Wait, Austin Rivers looks like Paul Wall? Why didn’t anyone tell me this? If he weren’t so profoundly unlikeable, I’d feel worse about his nickname being Baby Doc. Too soon? Nah, let’s go with it.
11. Portland Trail Blazers – Meyers Leonard, Illinois
“Meyers Leonard” is the worst basketball name possible. Effeminate mystery writer? Sure. Blind accountant? Definitely. Future NBA star? Nope.
12. Houston Rockets – Jeremy Lamb, UConn
I’m a big believer that there can be one legitimate prospect on a mediocre team, but not two. So, mark it down: Jeremy Lamb and/or Andre Drummond will be a bust. The Rudy Gay comparisons are obvious. They’re both UConn wings with a disconcertingly removed demeanor, and more importantly, a baby ‘fro.
13. Phoenix Suns – Kendall Marshall, North Carolina
I don’t know. Not that he’s a bad player, but I don’t think it’s a great sign when your winning a starting job causes your backup to be so aghast that he transfers to another school. I don’t think Larry Drew The II would’ve transferred if Kyrie Irving had showed up.
14. Milwaukee Bucks – John “The Muppet” Henson, North Carolina
I always like when there’s a run on one college’s guys. If this side-by-side comparison doesn’t convince you of his Muppitude, I don’t know what will. And his last name is Henson! Why hasn’t this caught on? WHY? WHY? *shakes fist at the gods*
15. Philadelphia 76ers – Maurice Harkless, St. John’s
They’re pretty good and well logjammed as far as small forwards go, but whatever, we’re getting deeper into the draft. And a tragic reference to Malik Sealy. Let’s move on to something lighter.
16. Houston Rockets -Royce White, Iowa State
Wait, the Knicks gave up their first rounder for Sergio Rodriguez and the late Tracy McGrady? Yeesh. But let’s talk about Royce White. He’s very physically imposing, a very good passer and skilled. I’m glad the whole “he had anxiety and still seems to be afraid of flying” thing doesn’t appear to have affected his stock. And since we’re talking about Iowa State, let’s congratulate the Butter Cow.
17. Cleveland Cavaliers – Tyler Zeller, North Carolina
Here’s the thing about Tyler Zeller: I think he’s actually going to be a decent player. But he’s goofy-looking. And when you draft a goofy-looking guy and it doesn’t work out (see: Robert Swift), it’s not just a mistake, it’s a joke. And that’s no good. Anyway, there are some good pictures of Luke “Cooper Manning” Zeller, a D-League star who Tyler claims has been living the NBA lifestyle.
18. Houston Rockets -Terrence Jones, Kentucky
I’m out of things to say about Houston picks. Remember when Lil’ Flip had that lyric about Stevie Francis? Whose career when downhill more quickly from that moment? Discuss.
19. Orlando Magic – Andrew Nicholson, St. Bonaventure
They kinda already have one of these, only he’s taller and better and named Ryan Anderson. I’m always against a team drafting a guy whose worst-case scenario is on the team, and well, the Magic have Earl Clark.
20. Denver Nuggets – Evan Fournier, France
Apparently it’s pronounced A-von. It’s a shame he isn’t a shotblocker, then he could definitely incorporate the finger wag.
21. Boston Celtics – Jared Sullinger, Ohio State
Surprise, surprise, Boston took the Irish guy.
22. Boston Celtics – Fab Melo, Syracuse
Well, they really could use a backup center, and he’s a shot blocker, so this makes sense. He’s better than Ryan Hollins, right? I was kinda hoping we’d get to see KG strangle Perry Jones Perry Jones Perry Jones next year.
23. Atlanta Hawks – John Jenkins, Vanderbilt
It seems like the boring teams always take the boring players. Woo, John Jenkins, woo.
24. Dallas Mavericks – Jared Cunningham, Oregon State
Nobody wants Perry Jones Perry Jones Perry Jones, I guess.
25. Memphis Grizzlies – Tony Wroten, Jr., Washington
It would be better if he pronounced his name Tony Rotten. Jay Bilas keeps comparing him to Mayor Rondo–I don’t think that’s fair. There’s only one Mayor Rondo–in order to make being that awful a shooter work as a point guard, you have to be awesome in every other way. Rondo is. We’ll see, Tony Rotten, we’ll see.
26. Indiana Pacers – Miles Plumlee, Duke
If I were a white player who went to Duke, North Carolina or Notre Dame and the Pacers weren’t interested in me, I might have to retire on the spot.
27. Philadelphia 76ers -Arnett Moultrie, Mississippi State
Good booing out of the MSG crowd when Stern mentioned the NBA Champion Miami Heat. I’m bummed that Renardo Sidney hasn’t panned out. Nevertheless, Moultrie did hilariously call out his teammates this year, so that’s nice. At this point I’m legitimately excited for the possibility of Perry Jones Perry Jones Perry Jones falling to the Warriors. The 76ers traded the 45th pick and a future first rounder for this pick. What an awful trade for them. How can you trade a future first rounder and a second rounder for the fourth-to-last pick in the first round. Terrible.
28. Oklahoma City Thunder – Perry Jones III, Baylor
From the NY Times Magazine profile of Perry Jones Perry Jones Perry Jones:
Perry Jones Jr. has a small business that sells wooden pallets, copper and aluminum. His wife is the supervisor at a grade-school cafeteria and also preaches at local churches. They are raising Perry’s younger brother, along with two nephews. She told me that Perry would read the younger children their bedtime Bible stories when she was not available, without anyone having to ask him to do so. In school, he was chosen to be a peer mediator, his mother said, “the one who says to the other kids: ‘Why are you fighting? What are you hoping to accomplish?’ ” She went on, “He is just an all-around good guy, but when it comes to his basketball, everybody says he’s too. . . .”
Her husband, at this point, chimed in with the word she was looking for. “Soft,” he said. “They say he’s too soft.”
So yeah, he’s soft. But at some point with someone this talented you have to figure that someone else on your team will be able to bring some extra gulliness to cover for you. Also: he averaged 14 points per game in high school? How is that possible? He’s 6’11!
29. Chicago Bulls – Marquis Teague, Kentucky
So, even with the Derrick Rose injury, C.J. Watson and John Lucas II will still be ahead of him, right? Sure.
30. Golden State Warriors – Festus Ezeli, Vanderbilt
A Festus for the Restus! I can’t say I know too much about him or that I’m too excited. His Wikipedia makes him seem like Adonal Foyle 2.0, which at the 30th pick, sure, why not? At the 8th pick ahead of Kobe, I’m not so crazy about it.
31. Charlotte Bobcats – Jeffrey Taylor, Vanderbilt
Our third Commodore. Were they good? Did I miss something? Nope, they got bounced in the second round of the tournament. Isn’t this pick usually a foreigner because you can stash him? Am I asking questions because I don’t know who Jeffrey Taylor is?
32. Washington Wizards – Tomas Satoransky, Czech Republic
They show a map with the Czech Republic highlighted. With Jan Vesely, they now have two Czechs. And no Slovaks. No Slovaks!
33. Dallas Mavericks – Bernard James, Florida State
As he is 27-years old and served six years and three tours in Afghanistan, Qatar and Iraq with the Air Force, the crowd chanted “USA USA USA” when they picked him. Good transition by Rece Davis to say “Bernard served the country then he came back and served the Seminoles.”
34. Dallas Mavericks – Jae Crowder, Marquette
The second round is a good place for an undersized energy guy. Because of his similar hair and somewhat similar style, the comparison to Kenneth Faried is easy to make, but Faried was an absolutely dominant rebounder in college, so let’s calm down, straw man who I’m arguing with.
35. Golden State Warriors – Draymond Green, Michigan State
I Dlove Draymond! If nothing else, he’ll be a good guy to have around to push Jeremy Tyler. And the advanced stats all like him. Besides, at this point, someone this productive can’t be a terrible pick. He’s got the DeJuan Blair thing of looking astonishingly old, so maybe that’s good?
36. Indiana Pacers – Orlando Johnson, UCSB
I got nothing. Here’s a somewhat UCSB-themed Cam’ron lyric.
37. Toronto Raptors – Quincy Acy, Baylor
Another old, old-looking dude. Note the side-by-side comparison with Marty Culp.
38. Denver Nuggets – Quincy Miller, Baylor
Consecutive Baylor Quincies! He looks kinda awesome in the highlight film. So did the other Baylor dudes. Shouldn’t they have been really good? I’m really excited for the possibility, remote though it may be of both the Quincies becoming huge stars and having an epic rivalry. That’d be fun.
39. Detroit Pistons – Khris Middleton, Texas A&M
I don’t know whether to make a Kardashian or a Kate Middleton joke, so I’ll just do neither.
40. Portland Trail Blazers – Will Barton, Memphis
From Baltimore, Barton carried a seemingly undermanned Eastside team to victory for Coach Prop Joe.
41. Brooklyn Nets – Tyshawn Taylor, Kansas
Welcome to the draft, Brooklyn Nets. I always like when they criticize a point guard’s decision making. It always seems like a huge character flaw.
42. Milwaukee Bucks – Doron Lamb, Kentucky
All the Quincies and all the Lambs are off the board.
43. Atlanta Hawks – Mike Scott, Virginia
Even Mike Scott’s mom wishes the Hawks had made a more exciting pick.
44. Detroit Pistons – Kim English, Missouri
Not related to Alex English. Not as good as Alex English.
45. Philadelphia 76ers – Justin Hamilton, LSU
Wow, he’s really white. Like, really white. In my head Justin Hamilton from LSU was definitely black.
46. New Orleans Hornets – Darius Miller, Kentucky
ESPN can finally retire their stupid scoreboard graphic as Kentucky’s had six guys drafted. They win. This must be the greatest day in John Calipari’s life.
47. Utah Jazz – Kevin Murphy, Tennessee Tech
I was skeptical until I heard he dropped 50 on SIU-Edwardsville. That changes everything. Also, racially, he’s the reverse of Justin Hamilton.
48. New York Knicks -Kostas Papanikolaou, Greece
Again, they traded away their first-round pick so they could have Tracy McGrady and Sergio Rodriguez two years ago. The crowd is weirdly upset about this. He was the hero of the EuroLeague championship! And his name was a hit single by Kevin Federline! What more can you ask for?
49. Orlando Magic – Kyle O’Quinn, Norfolk State
Oh yeah, him. And a shocking reclamation from whitest name for a black guy, a title which has passed from Jared Sullinger to Kevin Murphy and now to Kyle O’Quinn. Enjoy it Kyle.
50. Denver Nuggets – Izzet Turkyilmaz, Turkey
He looks surprisingly like Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords.
51. Boston Celtics – Kris Joseph, Syracuse
KriJo? No? No. They’ve taken two Syracusers now.
52. Golden State Warriors -Ognjen Kuzmic, Bosnia And Herzegovina
I would’ve bet anything on the Warriors taking Drew Gordon here, but I’m glad that tenuous high school connections to Kirk Lacob don’t quite go that far. An assistant coaching job, sure, but not a late second round pick. I’m not going to lie. I don’t know much about Ognjen. He looks like the giant from Twin Peaks, which is somewhat discouraging. On the plus side, I’ve got good news. That gum you like is going to come back in style!
53. Los Angeles Clippers – Furkan Aldemir, Turkey
Fran Fraschilla really likes every Euro and almost convinces me until I remember that these picks are effectively worthless.
54. Philadelphia 76ers – Tornike Shengelia, Georgia
He goes Toko, which I’m pretty sure was the name of an outdated and offensively stereotypical Japanese Bond girl.
55. Dallas Mavericks – Darius Johnson-Odom
I’m pretty excited that as they’re getting rid of Lamar Odom they acquire the only other basketball-plying Odom on earth.
56. Toronto Raptors – Tomislav Zubcic, Croatia
The draft doesn’t start until Toronto drafts a foreigner.
57. Brooklyn Nets – Ilkan Karaman, Turkey
There was a tremendous reaction shot of some Nets kid shrugging and then deciding he’d be excited about this pick. Good for you, Nets kid.
58. Minnesota Timberwolves – Robbie Hummel, Purdue
His knees have exploded in each of the last two years, and it’s my understanding that most basketball players use their knees.
59. San Antonio Spurs – Marcus Denmon, Missouri
Jay Bilas said he played hard, so that’s neat. The Spurs are always acquiring these sorts of generic players (James Anderson, Danny Green) and then a few years down the road they have something they’ve become good at and they’re suddenly a useful contributor. Still, 59 is rarely a big talent spot.
60. Los Angeles Lakers – Robert Sacre, Gonzaga
Pau Gasol is now expendable. Sacre changes everything! Well, not really, but whatever. Draft over!