Fresh off Obama losing the first debate so badly that he’s barely still president, Team Blue needs a jolt of energy. And who better to supply that jolt than Joltin’ Joe Biden? Well, probably someone else, but that’s who’s going to be doing the talking tonight, so deal with it. Meanwhile, Team Red counters with ill-fitting suit connoisseur Paul Ryan, who’s so devoted to budget austerity that he believes having your full name be over ten letters long is wasteful spending.

But who’s going to win? America! Joe Biden is one of those old timey Ted Kennedy Democrats who remind you, oh yeah, people in this party used to care about stuff like The Poor and enjoyed employing Shameless Populism, whereas Paul Ryan is a combination of Anton Chigurh and the Terminator, sent from the future to early 1980s Texas to kill all government programs because he’s certain that any growth in the federal government will lead to Skynet’s robots trampling our skulls.

So, um, who’s going to win? Time for a good ol’ fashioned breakdown.

Biden will win

• Because Ryan will be exhausted from trying to run a marathon on a treadmill during the hour and a half debate “just to prove to you all that I can.”
• When Ryan, after launching into a closing statement designed to show his empathy with common Americans, accidentally says the word “übermensch” four times
• If he can nail Paul Ryan to his budget, whose severe cuts to Medicare and Social Security are wildly unpopular while defending Obama’s record as more successful than it is credited for.
• When Paul Ryan walks right into his “losersayswhat” trap.
  
• If there’s an arm wrestling component, because “you can’t underestimate old man strength.”
• Because his famous stretching routine makes him unstoppable.
• When he tells Ryan the harsh truth that neither of them will ever be president, and he best get to accepting that, and Ryan starts sobbing uncontrollably.
• If he wins the coin toss to pick their entrance music and wisely chose “Fairytale of New York“
• If Paul Ryan tries to make a joke relating to Biden’s tragic past by saying, “You’re a widower, I’ve got a widow’s peak. We’re not so different.”
• If Jive Talkin’ Joe makes an appearance (note: this is based on the assumption that the 1998 feature film Bulworth is an accurate representation of what Americans are really looking for in a politician)

• If he can prove the existence of God

Ryan will win

• When Biden has no response to Ryan’s opening remarks because he was prepared to argue which Transformer is the most badass.
• When Biden accidentally steals someone’s life story. Again.
• When America looks into his eyes
• When Biden jogs out to the center of the stage, then tries to rip off his pants for a few minutes before realizing that he’s wearing suit pants, not, as previously believed, tearaway warmups.
• When Biden repeatedly requests that a monitor be turned to the football game.
• If he is able to effectively communicate the merits of trusting a private enterprise to solve societal problems
• When Joe Biden foolishly cites Rearden Steel as an example of a company that is prospering under Obama.
• If, as they’re waving to the crowd, Joe Biden punches him in the side, because “Dude, you left yourself open, hahahahaha.”
• If Biden asks for a do-over at any point
• If there’s a counting component

• If the moderator accedes to his request to deliver “Galt’s Speech” in its entirety as his opening remarks, convincing America of Objectivism’s rightness once and for all.
• If his suit fits
• If in a bizarre Freudian slip, Biden tries to rebut claims that an Obama presidency would cut “the deficit in gaffe.”

So there you have it, Paul Ryan will win this debate by a final score of 13-11, and it won’t mean anything because Vice Presidential debates don’t matter so have fun watching them anyway and sorry for wasting your time.