There’s a lot that goes into winning a World Series, much of it having to do with baseball. Instead, let’s evaluate the other things that you need to know about America’s Team, the San Francisco Giants. The last time I did this, the Giants won the World Series, so obviously, I needed to do it again, only with more gifs this time (there are a lot of gifs).
GAME ONE WILL MATCH CY YOUNG WINNERS OF ROUGHLY EQUIVALENT PITCHING ABILITY
The Tigers will send Justin Verlander, winner of last year’s AL Cy Young, and likely winner of this year’s award. Verlander has thrown up to 101 miles per hour this season and is currently dating Kate Upton. Barry Zito won a Cy Young ten years ago while playing for the Oakland Moneyballs, once dated Alyssa Milano and actually threw a 78 mile per hour fastball at one point this year. Here’s a graphic to make us all feel better about this:
MVPS: BUSTER POSEY WAS AND IS EVERYTHING THAT’S RIGHT WITH AMERICA. MIGUEL CABRERA IS A FAT DRUNK
A recovering drunk, presumably, though, if you want to watch his DUI video from last offseason, here you go. He had a BAC of .26. .26! He’s definitely fat, though. That’s pretty undeniable. Also, he’s some kind of witch doctor.
Meanwhile, Buster Posey is mathematically perfect. He is symmetrical in a way that is soothing to all people. He says “Gosh” a lot. He never says “in all seriousness,” because it would be redundant.
He destroyed history’s greatest monster, Mat Latos by crushing a grand slam off of him in the NLDS.
Oh, that was glorious.
THE BATTLE FOR JOURNEY SUPREMACY
“Don’t Stop Believin'” was the song of 2010 for the Giants, but IT MENTIONS SOUTH DETROIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HUNTER PENCE IS A WEIRDO
That’s the scooter that he rides to the park. So, uh, yeah. Also, there’s that whole thing where he runs, throws and hits like some 1920s player with an unfortunate nickname like “Ducky” or “Slappy” or “The Smelly Dutchman” because nicknames used to all be horrible and racist and kinda awesome.
THERE WILL BE CRUSTY MANAGERS
Our man Bruce Bochy, seen here having a Danny Glover-in-Lethal Weapon moment, and also running into eternity, is opposite Jim Leyland who is no longer allowed to smoke in games because Michigan made that illegal. Bochy is possibly best known for his unbelievably large head, which he needs to hold all that vital information about bullpen management. Here’s a story about his prodigious brain-holder:
“One night Boch hit a walk-off home run,” said former Padre catcher Terry Kennedy. “We ran a red carpet from the door of the clubhouse to his locker. In his locker, we put a six-pack of beer, with ice in his helmet. You might be able to get a six-pack in some other guy’s helmet, but only in Boch’s could you put beer and ice.”
We already covered Miguel Cabrera (fat! drunk! Triple Crown (Royal) winner!), and don’t really care about Anibal Sanchez, Avisail Garcia (cool name for a boat though!) or Omar Infante, so let’s turn our attention to the Giants’ Venezuelans.
First of all, Marco Scutaro who is a hitting machine that celebrated his
escape from Shawshank defeat of history’s other greatest monster, Matt Holliday by drinking up rain made out of the Cardinals’ sad, sad tears. Delicious.
Anyway, Scutaro probably takes a strike more often than about any hitter I can recall, which somehow seems arrogant because it effectively says “I spit on your pitch. I do as I please and this at bat begins when I say it does.” And Scoots can do this because he hits the ball 95.3% of the time, leading all baseball players in the world.
The Giants’ other Venezuelans are Jose Mijares (their second-best LOOGY!), Hector “I Have the Most Generic Latino Name Possible” Sanchez, Gregor “Mendel” Blanco and Pablo Eisler Sandoval, who has no known nickname due to his nondescript physical shape and personality. Just kidding. Here he is eating a giant ice cream sundae, and presumably thinking about how to more effectively drive the ball to all fields against left-handed pitching or something.
A TALE OF TWO CITIES
Let’s put it this way: no presidential debate has ever covered the topic of whether the candidates wanted San Francisco to go die forever or merely go through a managed bankruptcy. The last time Detroit was in the World Series was in 2006, where they were upset by St. Louis, and in a much bigger upset that same week, were named America’s second most dangerous city (bested by St. Louis again!). Detroit’s also responsible for that stupid Oakland University that sometimes confuses people into thinking there’s a college basketball team called Oakland in Oakland (there isn’t).
Also, Kid Rock.
Admittedly, San Francisco does have to answer for this:
We all have our crosses to bear.