Snakes on a Campagin (To Kill Everything in Florida)

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Being a Floridian is a life riddled with danger. Because Florida apparently has no restrictions on their pets, they have to deal with the occasional wild grizzly bears, the odd Mystery Monkeys, and now, the Burmese python has got its tail wrapped around America’s dangling appendage. And pythons are pretty much all tail. The Burmese python threatens the natural balance of the ecosystem in the Everglades, but fortunately, Florida officials have found a way to deal with the problem in a way that is fun for the whole family.

That’s right! Florida: where every day is St. Patrick’s Day. This hardly seems necessary though, if the pythons are in the swamps, won’t they be easily destroyed by bigger predators? Like alligators, for example.

Sweet baby Jesus. Fortunately, Floridians have embraced the Python Challenge with great zest, with over 1,000 people signed up to try to get after Florida’s 150,00 pythons. Never one to pass on some hot python killing action is Florida Senator Bill Nelson and his friend “Alligator Ron” Bergeron, who took to the Everglades to get down and dirty, and handle this problem themselves. And nothing was going to stop them.

Nelson returned to a boat ramp at Mile Marker 41 on Alligator Alley about 4 p.m. His office said the “pythons proved elusive in the warm weather.”

Well, nothing was going to stop them except warm weather–which, I understand is a rare occurrence in the swamps of Florida.

So, some namby pamby Senator couldn’t kill any pythons–what about the other 1,000 Floridians who signed up? With over 150,000 pythons estimated to live in the Everglades, you’d have to imagine that 18 days into the challenge, there would be probably 20 or 30,000 kills by now. Let’s check the figures.

As of Thursday, 21 pythons had been killed for the contest, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Ok, no need to panic. It’s not like the pythons killing the most iconic Florida animals yet.

“And it’s just a question of time before one of them gets the endangered Florida panther,” said Nelson.

Alright, fine, the panther’s days are numbered. But at least actual people are safe from these horrible pythons.. It’s not like they’re gonna come out of the swamps and start invading the neighborhoods, right, Florida Senator Bill Nelson?

On the plus side, the inside of a python is roomier than some Florida retirement homes–so maybe it’s not all bad news for grandma.

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