NOBEL WEEK IS HERE, YOU GUYS!!!!
And while we’re all excited about the winners (score one depression-era Canadians who somewhat ill-advisedly go visit their ex-girlfriends with their young children everywhere!) in other categories, the granddaddy of them all, the Nobel Peace Prize will be given out on Friday. Without any further ado, let’s have a look at the contenders from Paddy Power’s list of bettable candidates.
YOU WOULDN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEACE IF A DOVE EXTENDED AN OLIVE BRANCH TO YOU
For unifying the world in the opinion that Bono is a self-righteous prig.
“What’s cooler than the UNESCO Prize for Peace Education? The Nobel Peace Prize.” -Sean Parker, The Social Network 2: Networkin’ For The Weekend
YOU ARE ACTIVELY OPPOSED TO PEACE IN ALL ITS FORMS
66/1 Vladimir Putin
Regrettably, the Nobel Prize for Achievement in Terrible Gay Bashing and Iron-Fisted Dictatorship was proposed to Alfred Nobel, but he decided it made more sense to have a Medicine category instead.
EVEN IF YOU DID SOMETHING GOOD, YOU LOOK LIKE EVERY EURO-VILLAIN FROM A ’90S MOVIE
50/1 Julian Assange
IT’D BE PRETTY AWKWARD IF HE RAN INTO BARACK OBAMA AT THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE WINNERS’ BRUNCH
50/1 Edward “The Snowdens of Yesteryear” Snowden
Is he still in that airport?
ASIAN DUDES WITH COOL NAMES
40/1 Ban-Ki Moon
33/1 Hu Jia
THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES
33/1 Bill Clinton
Can’t wait for him to become Secret President again in 2016!
WHO THE FUCK IS GENE SHARP?
25/1 Gene Sharp
25/1 Mary Robinson
25/1 Bradley Manning
Which would be more surprising, that Chelsea (formerly Bradley) Manning would be first transgendered winner, or Mary Robinson becoming first ginger winner? (note: Mary Robinson is the former President of Ireland so I’m assuming she’s a ginger. I’m also assuming no ginger has ever won the Nobel Peace Prize. This may or may not be accurate).
11/8 Denis Mukwege
8/15 Malala Yousafzai
Hoo boy, let’s start with some jokes about Denis. Let’s see, he’s a gynecologist. Already hilarious, I’m sure if I dig deeper, the comedy will spring forth naturally:
[Mukwege] founded and works in Panzi Hospital in Bukavu, where he specializes in the treatment of women who have been gang-raped by rebel forces, Mukwege has probably become the world’s leading expert on how to repair the internal physical damage caused by gang rape.
* assumes fetal position *
* reconsiders everything *
* has a newfound gratitude for everything *
And Malala Yousafzai, naturally is a 16-year-old who has been advocating for women’s educational rights for the past five years and was shot in the head and neck by the Taliban. And if you make a smart wager, you can turn her triumph over tragedy into cold, hard cash!