What Really Happened Between The Pope and Kim Davis?

Baby PopeThe Pope did lots of things during his visit to America. Chuckled with Jim Gaffigan. Addressed Congress. Met a Baby Pope. And that was all well and good. But it’s his meeting with Kentucky County Clerk Kim Davis that has left people with questions. Questions such as: wait, he met with Kim Davis? Why? What? Why? What the hell were they talking about?

Initial reports from Davis’ side presented a picture of a very friendly visit, like two old friends powwowing about their shared hatred of gay marriage. To wit:

On Tuesday night, her lawyer, Mathew D. Staver, said that Ms. Davis and her husband, Joe, were sneaked into the Vatican Embassy by car on Thursday afternoon. Francis gave her rosaries and told her to “stay strong,” the lawyer said. The couple met for about 15 minutes with the pope, who was accompanied by security guards, aides and photographers.

“I put my hand out and he reached and he grabbed it, and I hugged him and he hugged me,” Ms. Davis said Wednesday in an interview with ABC News. ‘Thank you for your courage.’”

“I had tears coming out of my eyes,” she said. “I’m just a nobody, so it was really humbling to think he would want to meet or know me.”

This account of things extends the infinite streak of people who describe things with the word “humbling” to mean the exact opposite of what it’s supposed to.

But wait! The Pope and his Popettes had a different story to tell about the controversial meeting.

“The Pope did not enter into the details of the situation of Mrs. Davis and his meeting with her should not be considered a form of support of her position in all of its particular and complex aspects,” [A guy who feels comfortable speaking on behalf of the Pope] said.

Well, what were we supposed to think? This is on you, dude. You have a great balcony that is perfect for standing on and clearing this sort of thing up. Adding even more confusion, there is a Godfather III-style conspiracy theory going around in which the unwitting Pope was set up by conniving underlings.

CBS 2’s Vatican source doesn’t think [the Pope gave a shit about Kim Davis]. A close advisor to Pope Francis tweeted that the Pope was, in his words, “exploited” by those who set up what the CBS 2 source says was a “meeting that never should have taken place.”

Some call it an attempt by highly placed church leaders in the U.S. to diminish the impact of the Pope’s visit.

I’m a little unclear on how this plan was supposed to work.

Step 1: Dupe Pope, set up meeting with Kim Davis

Step 2: ????

Step 3: The impact of the Pope’s historic visit is diminished because Kim Davis sucks.

Step 4: New Pope, maybe me? [lots of hearts are drawn around the page]

Looking at these facts, it would seem that the Pope and Kim Davis’ accounts are at odds with each other. How could he have met with her in private (she said) and as part of a procession of people (he said)? Well, my crack team has managed to reverse engineer a conversation that makes sense on all levels.

Kim Davis: Yes, it is I, Kim Davis.

* Pope hands her rosaries *

Pope: Peace be with you.

Kim Davis: It is such an honor to meet you Pope Francis, even though I did leave the Catholic Church, it means a lot that you totally endorse my views and everything I stand for.

Pope: Okay. One second.

Pope (in Spanish to a member of Pope Team Six): Who is this lady?

Pope Team Six Member: She’s the one who wasn’t giving people gay marriage licenses.

Pope: Aw jeeze. I’ve really been trying to avoid this sort of issue in America. It’s frankly not a big deal on my agenda compared to stuff like climate change and the terrible conditions of the poor. Who set this up?

Pope Team Six Member: Cardinal Mendoza.

Pope (shaking fist): Mendoza!!!!!

* Pope turns back to Kim Davis, who is now sobbing uncontrollably *

Pope: You mind not telling anyone about this?

* Kim Davis takes a selfie with the Pope *

And scene.