Despite not living up to the great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency in last year’s speech, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)
- And so, I propose that for one night a year… we make it so that murder, theft–all crime–is legal.
- By 2017, we will have flying cars. Now, you may say that a flying car sounds like a really small plane. And that’s true. If you prefer plane travel, there will still be plane travel. But for decades, Americans have dreamed of having a personal plane that’s shaped like a car. And with cooperation from Congress, this will become a reality.
- Some say this government has done too little to address the needs of average Americans like Susan Walters, a corn farmer in Nebraska who just wants to work hard, farm her corn, attend prayer services at her local mosque and raise her children with her wife Mary, a veteran. What I’m saying is, without unlimited government access to your phone and internet usage, I wouldn’t be able to find anecdotes about Midwestern, lesbian veteran farmers. So, sorry/
- War with Canada. We’ve all been thinking it. So let us be the ones to say it. War with Canada. Let us not be afraid to find what we’ve known all along. War with Canada. It feels right.
- It was over a decade ago that George W. Bush said we would go to the Moon again by 2020. I don’t really have anything to add to that except to say that you guys over at NASA need to get a move on unless you want to commit the greatest crime of all–making one of George Bush’s predictions be inaccurate.
- I know people are hurting. But I’d also like to point out that the economy is doing great. So it’s both. Don’t ask how, but it’s both. Lots of people have jobs now–but also, everyone is unhappy and poor. I have a solution. Take Garrett Hawkins–a third generation blacksmith from Bowling Green, Kentucky. He’s struggling to make payments and may have to sell his shop that his father worked at, and his father before him. To which I say, “struggling to make payments”? So fucking what? Jesus Christ, Garrett, you inherited a piece of property and a business and you blew it. That’s on you pal. Do you know how many people would kill to be in your position? I don’t ask that rhetorically. What I am asking you here today is, do you know how many people on earth–from the child soldiers of Africa to the quasi-slave laborers of East Asia–would literally murder another human being and watch the life drain from their eyes, just so they could be in position where the worst thing in the world is being a little behind on their payments? Literally billions.
But he said none of these things! And it didn’t really matter because Barack Obama won the State of the Union by playing the best trump card of all: reminding people that he’s president and other people who wanted to be president are not president. Apply aloe as necessary to that sick, sick burn, various members of the GOP.