Category Archives: The World Of Politics

The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union

Despite not living up to the  great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency in last year’s speech, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)

It's kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?
It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

Continue reading The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union

One Pie Chart Explains Where All The Clinton Cash Is Going

The biggest controversy so far of the Hillary Clinton campaign has been the “Clinton Cash” scandal. Peter Schweitzer wrote a book with that same title (and this menacing cover), in which he pointed out the fact that the Clinton Global Initiative basically took whatever money it could get its hands on, often from people who were either evil foreign dictators or who stood to benefit from specific legislation. They also squeezed the money out of their friends! (Actually, I suppose the dictators also become your friends when you take their money).

So if we now know know where the Clinton Ca$h is coming from, the question is, where is it going? Fortunately I was able to get my hands on a pie chart that shows exactly where the Clinton Global Initiative’s money is being spent:


It seems like this controversy is mostly blown out of proportion, except for the pantsuits.  That is and always was a misuse of funding.

Snakes on a Campagin (To Kill Everything in Florida)

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Being a Floridian is a life riddled with danger. Because Florida apparently has no restrictions on their pets, they have to deal with the occasional wild grizzly bears, the odd Mystery Monkeys, and now, the Burmese python has got its tail wrapped around America’s dangling appendage. And pythons are pretty much all tail. The Burmese python threatens the natural balance of the ecosystem in the Everglades, but fortunately, Florida officials have found a way to deal with the problem in a way that is fun for the whole family.

That’s right! Florida: where every day is St. Patrick’s Day. This hardly seems necessary though, if the pythons are in the swamps, won’t they be easily destroyed by bigger predators? Like alligators, for example.

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Mark Sanford is Back! Let’s Re-Read His Amazing Love Letters

Wrong Sanford, You Big Dummy
Wrong Sanford, You Big Dummy

Big news, guys.

Mark Sanford, the former governor of South Carolina, will run for the House of Representatives, sources close to Sanford confirm. He will try to win election to the seat formerly held by Tim Scott.

What’s this? The greatest American love letter writer is coming back into public life? For those who don’t recall, Mark Sanford was the South Carolina governor who in 2009 was seen as a possible contender for the Republican nomination in 2012. So, what happened? He went to hike the Appalachian Trail. Here’s how conservative commentator and former adviser to George W. Bush Mark McKinnon synopsized that hiking trip in an article that just gets better and better as the years go by:

Mark Sanford unplugged. Literally. He decided to take a hike. And he told his security detail to take a hike as well.

Guy wanted some alone time in the woods to clear his head.

Here we have a guy in politics who actually likes to get OUT of the spotlight. How exceedingly normal.

But oh, no. Not normal at all. A man in his position has to be “troubled” or “hiding something” for taking a walk.

Judging from the thunderous sound of the reaction and squealing coverage you would think that Sanford went for a walk in Anbar Province, Iraq, and left the nuclear football in a mall somewhere in Pakistan.

Declare a state of emergency. Lock your doors. Hide your children. Find Al Haig and put him charge. Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer has let it be known that he cannot take this situation “lightly.”

Bauer called Sanford’s office and demanded an “immediate phone conversation with the governor,” and was shocked, shocked, to discover his chief of staff didn’t know where he was.

Well, apparently, Sanford has been out hiking the Appalachian Trail: A great place, according to the author and novice hiker Bill Bryson, for a walk in the woods. This is the sign of a healthy, sane individual. So, of course, when someone in politics does something normal, political partisans and the media elite think he’s crazy.

Mark Sanford literally likes to go his own way. Why do politicians have to be on a leash? Really, is South Carolina such a highly prized strategic asset that everyone has to freak out if the governor takes a hike for a few days? What’s the worst that could happen?

Well, as it turns out, the people who seemed to think it was weird that a governor would go out of his way to be completely untraceable for a few days were completely justified in their suspicions as “hiking the Appalachian Trail” quickly became a euphemism for having an affair.

Yeah, that's the guy
Yeah, that’s the guy

It’s worth remembering that the Mark Sanford Affair is truly unparalleled in the history of American politics. Obviously, there have been lots of affairs in the history of American politics. True! But those affairs were about sex. This one, this one was about love. This was not meeting some prostitutes in Connecticut and insisting that you continue to wear socks. No. Mark Sanford was the greatest love letter writer in American political history. Without further ado, here is the email documentation of the greatest love story in American political history between Mark Sanford and Argentinean reporter Maria Belén Chapur.  Because it makes me feel important, my comments will be in bold.
Continue reading Mark Sanford is Back! Let’s Re-Read His Amazing Love Letters

2012 Vice Presidential Debate Predictions

Fresh off Obama losing the first debate so badly that he’s barely still president, Team Blue needs a jolt of energy. And who better to supply that jolt than Joltin’ Joe Biden? Well, probably someone else, but that’s who’s going to be doing the talking tonight, so deal with it. Meanwhile, Team Red counters with ill-fitting suit connoisseur Paul Ryan, who’s so devoted to budget austerity that he believes having your full name be over ten letters long is wasteful spending.

But who’s going to win? America! Joe Biden is one of those old timey Ted Kennedy Democrats who remind you, oh yeah, people in this party used to care about stuff like The Poor and enjoyed employing Shameless Populism, whereas Paul Ryan is a combination of Anton Chigurh and the Terminator, sent from the future to early 1980s Texas to kill all government programs because he’s certain that any growth in the federal government will lead to Skynet’s robots trampling our skulls.

So, um, who’s going to win? Time for a good ol’ fashioned breakdown.

Biden will win

  • Because Ryan will be exhausted from trying to run a marathon on a treadmill during the hour and a half debate “just to prove to you all that I can.”
  • When Ryan, after launching into a closing statement designed to show his empathy with common Americans, accidentally says the word “übermensch” four times
  • If he can nail Paul Ryan to his budget, whose severe cuts to Medicare and Social Security are wildly unpopular while defending Obama’s record as more successful than it is credited for.
  • When Paul Ryan walks right into his “losersayswhat” trap.
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Mitt Romney’s Zingers Sheet

Should I abandon writing and turn this blog into a catalog of Mitt Romney’s awkward interactions with black people? (Possible names: Ebony & Rom-i-nee, The Mormon Taberblackle Choir, The Unbearable Whiteness of Romneying). Anyway, Mitt’s wildly successful Chipotle photo op is not why we’re here. It’s this report from the NY Times.

Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August.

As luck would have it, my crack research staff managed to get their hands on Romney’s zinger sheet, and have assured me he will use every single one of these in tonight’s debate.

2012 Presidential Election Q + A

Like Mitt Romney, I still don’t know who let those dastardly dogs out, but I can turn all your other election questions into answers. Or at least answered questions, which is the next best thing.

What’s the worst (legal) thing Obama could do in these last few months of the campaign and still have a chance to win?

I’m torn between two things: one, if he was Tiger Woodsing out this whole time with a bunch of blonde bimbos, that would certainly hurt him with independent voters. Still, I’m going to say if he announces his conversion to Islam,  he would still have a shot at winning. It wouldn’t be a great one, but such a hilariously high percentage already thinks he’s a Muslim that it might not be so bad. That would be way more damaging politically than if he re-killed Vince Foster or something else that at least seems Tough on Terror.

And Romney?

I’m not sure Romney isn’t actively trying to answer this question. I mean, “accidentally reveal that he thinks half of Americans are worthless hoboes in front of a secret audience of rich people,” would seem to be about as far as he can go.

On the other hand, if the economy takes a severe downturn on Obama in the next few months, there’s basically no limitation to what Romney could say he intends to do as president. Mandatory Mormon Re-Education camps? Invasion of the UK? Marie Osmond named Poet Laureate? Re-writing Rocky IV so that Drago wins? It won’t matter, because voters will be all “I’m more focused on jobs,” and that’ll be that.

What’s the loser going go do afterwards?

If Romney loses, he’ll just keep running for President for a few years (old habits die hard). After that, I hope he combines his greatest passions and organizes the Cayman Islands’ winning Olympic bid for 2032.

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