Despite not living up to the great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency in last year’s speech, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)
It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?
As 2015 fast approaches is here, what better time is there than now to set down some predictions? I guess maybe a couple weeks ago.
After yet another bill of his doesn’t pass, Barack Obama will wait out the rest of his term out in Hawaii and hope nobody notices. For six weeks or so, nobody does.
Norway and Finland will go to war; Sweden will feel super awkward about it.
There will be roughly one major parade every two months.
The horribly destructive Hurricane Kyler will remind everyone that kids these days have names like “Kyler.”
I will pretend to have read thoughtful essays on the 50th anniversary of: The Great Society, Vietnam, Vietnam and the Great Society, Winston Churchill’s death, Malcolm X’s death, how the deaths of Malcolm X and Winston Churchill are related, the march on Selma, In Cold Blood, Dylan going electric, and the Voting Rights Act.
I will actually read about the 50th anniversary of: the US occupation of the Dominican Republic (that happened?), Muhammad Ali beating Sonny Liston, and the Watts riots.
The top grossing movie will be How to Lose a Guy in 11 Days, marking Matthew McConaughey’s triumphant return to the “terrible rom-com” genre.
A coach will give a speech so powerful at halftime of a game that his team will go on to win the game. Not the game their playing against their opponent–they’ll lose that in heartbreaking, but inspiring fashion as their last play comes up just short. No, no, they’ll go on to win the game OF LIFE.
A new iPhone will come out that will be a slightly different size. Perhaps more importantly, Siri will learn what you humans call love. Also, maybe it’ll be able to like, load stuff more quickly. That’d be neat.
North Korea will launch a massive cyber-attack against Arby’s’s servers (what’s the possessive of a possessive?) for stealing their Decaying Cow Brains recipe.
There will be a major news story involving a koala kidnapping. I’m not sure if the koala is being kidnapped or doing the kidnapping, but either way, it’ll be adorable.
Climate change will be revealed to have been the result of a wacky roommate accidentally messing up his scientist buddy’s data.
Sarah Palin won’t return, which’ll be nice.
There will be a weight loss craze that avoids dogmatic rules, but is instead centered around eating a reasonably diverse diet consisting primarily of fruits and vegetables, with portions of meat to gain protein. It’ll pass quickly in favor of The Diabsleepies Diet, in which you intentionally disable your pancreas in the belief that it gives off anti-nutritious toxins by snorting a line of Pixy Stix before bed.
Should I abandon writing and turn this blog into a catalog of Mitt Romney’s awkward interactions with black people? (Possible names: Ebony & Rom-i-nee, The Mormon Taberblackle Choir, The Unbearable Whiteness of Romneying). Anyway, Mitt’s wildly successful Chipotle photo op is not why we’re here. It’s this report from the NY Times.
As luck would have it, my crack research staff managed to get their hands on Romney’s zinger sheet, and have assured me he will use every single one of these in tonight’s debate.
Like Mitt Romney, I still don’t know who let those dastardly dogs out, but I can turn all your other election questions into answers. Or at least answered questions, which is the next best thing.
What’s the worst (legal) thing Obama could do in these last few months of the campaign and still have a chance to win?
I’m torn between two things: one, if he was Tiger Woodsing out this whole time with a bunch of blonde bimbos, that would certainly hurt him with independent voters. Still, I’m going to say if he announces his conversion to Islam, he would still have a shot at winning. It wouldn’t be a great one, but such a hilariously high percentage already thinks he’s a Muslim that it might not be so bad. That would be way more damaging politically than if he re-killed Vince Foster or something else that at least seems Tough on Terror.
And Romney?
I’m not sure Romney isn’t actively trying to answer this question. I mean, “accidentally reveal that he thinks half of Americans are worthless hoboes in front of a secret audience of rich people,” would seem to be about as far as he can go.
On the other hand, if the economy takes a severe downturn on Obama in the next few months, there’s basically no limitation to what Romney could say he intends to do as president. Mandatory Mormon Re-Education camps? Invasion of the UK? Marie Osmond named Poet Laureate? Re-writing Rocky IV so that Drago wins? It won’t matter, because voters will be all “I’m more focused on jobs,” and that’ll be that.
What’s the loser going go do afterwards?
If Romney loses, he’ll just keep running for President for a few years (old habits die hard). After that, I hope he combines his greatest passions and organizes the Cayman Islands’ winning Olympic bid for 2032.
Jordan Carr 