Canada | Jordan Carr

Despite not living up to the great “Tell Me How My Ass Taste” moment of his presidency in last year’s speech, President Barack Obama has to be feeling pretty good. Also, he proposed a whole bunch of things like shutting down Gitmo, raising the minimum wage and so on. While very few if any of these things are likely to happen (because nothing ever happens), that’s all the more reason for President Obama to have used his penultimate State of the Union to lay out an ambitious agenda. (The following is to be read in Barack Obama voice for full effect. Make sure to include the pauses and applause breaks!)

It's kinda cool that we made this guy President, right? — It’s kinda cool that we made this guy President, right?

Continue reading The Proposals Barack Obama (Foolishly) Didn’t Make In The State of the Union →

So, it’s come to this. People Magazine, the guardians of modern journalism who brought you stories of international importance such as “Dakota Fanning learns to do Laundry,” “Inside Zoe Saldana’s Pre-Breakup Family Dinner” and really, everything that falls under the aegis of their website celebritybabies.people.com, has named their World’s Sexiest Man.

~~And for twentieth year in a row, it’s Nick Nolte! Congratulations again, Nick!~~ (My sources on this somehow turned out to be incorrect. We regret the error.)

No, the World’s Sexiest People’s Sexiest Sexyman of the Sexy Year is Bradley Cooper. I know what you’re thinking–I’ve already read nearly 100 words, get to the fucking point-so I will be brief. This choice, while seemingly a generic selection of a good-looking white actor who does the kind of boring and awful movie that the humans who read People go see in droves, is a controversial one.

Why? Because Ryan Gosling wuz robbed, that’s why! Let’s go over Ryan Gosling’s resume:

Continue reading Sexiest Man Controvery Embroils America →