Tag Archives: Movies

Artisanal, Hand-Crafted Movie Recommendations

Mmmmm...anthropomorphic hot dogs
Mmmmm…anthropomorphic hot dogs

As the most beloved living film critic, people often ask me if they should see a movie, and for me, the answer is always yes because I like to have people to talk about movies with, and don’t really care if you waste two hours of your life on Black Swan or whatever. Still, in the interest of being somewhat helpful, here’s pretty much every movie I saw in 2013 as well as a description of what kind of person should watch these movies.

You should see this movie if you…

The Vanishing (1988)

…like the idea of you and a loved one being buried alive.

L’Enfant (2005)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French people.

Kid with a Bike (2011)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French kids.

La Haine (1995)

…think poverty is a problem only if it happens to attractive French kids in black and white.

Festen (1998)

…find it plausible that a big party could continue as if nothing happened after the host is accused of child molestation.

District 9 (2009)

…believe that comparing black Africans under apartheid to hideous bugs is helpful somehow.

Upstream Color (2013)

…think not enough movies center on piglet murder.

A History of Violence (2005)

…like your murders arbitrary and awesome.

A Prophet (2009)

…want to spend three hours being REALLY EXCITED about a guy slowly infiltrating the Corsican prison gang while growing a mustache.

Cries and Whispers (1972)

…wonder if being surrounded by bright red walls all the time keeps you from being awful and miserable (it doesn’t).

The Seventh Seal (1957)

…want to see chess with death!

Bicycle Thieves (1948)

…like Italy, but hate the persistent image of it as “fun.”
Continue reading Artisanal, Hand-Crafted Movie Recommendations

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Character or Ikea Furniture?

Today’s game is very simple: I give you a name, and you guess whether it is the name of a character from one the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (even you, The Castle of Air that was Exploded) books or if it a piece of Ikea furniture. But first, the seizure-inducing, but entirely compelling trailer.

Game on! (answers below each clue in white, highlight to see)

  1. Vanger
  2. Lindberg
  3. Hölmo
  4. Aspelund
  5. Nygren
  6. Malm
    Malm is both a character in the novels and the nice medium-sized chest of drawers pictured above.
  7. Bohman
  8. Ekstrom
  9. Faste
  10. Ektorp
  11. Karlstad
  12. Lack
  13. Holger
  14. Orgel
  15. Bjurman
  16. Trondheim
  17. Engan
  18. Bland
  19. Alina
  20. Indira
  21. Dragan
  22. Kvart
  23. Frode
  24. Fillsta
  25. Henrika
  26. Ofelia
  27. Forbes
  28. Krogstad
    Krogstad is the antagonist from Henrik Ibsen’s A Doll’s House, which is Norwegian, not Swedish, you racist.

To recap, the Ikea ones are (highlight below to see):

Ektorp, Karlstad, Lack, Orgel, Aspelund, Trondheim, Engan, Alina, Indira, Kvart, Fillsta, Hölmo, Henrika, and Ofelia. Malm is both.

How many did you get right?

1-5: You’ve turned in a performance that is statistically significant in its badness. Impressive.

6-10: Also pretty terrible.You must’ve let your subscription to Expo run out years ago.

11-15: Again, in this range, it’s probable you actually knew none of the right answers. Good on you for continuing to read this far.

16-20: Well done, you’re a real Kalle Blomkvist!

21-24: Did you have a feud with a pompous New Yorker critic recently?

25-27: Your closet was already loaded with Lisbeth Salander clothes even before H&M decided to market a line in her honor.

28: You must be very lonely and very Chinese.