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Ranking the Last 40 Years in Presidential Tickets by Sexual Tension

Like the title says. We’re keeping it recent because otherwise it’s too much work, and there’s no drama due to the unstoppable love affair that was 1856’s Buchanan-Breckinridge ticket. The electricity between those two. My word. Quibble with the rankings all you like, but remember that these are the true and factual rankings.

26. 1984 (D) Mondale-Ferraro

I mean, look at them. He looks like the creepy old guy from a suspense movie who you think is the serial killer, but then you’re like, no, he’s too creepy, it’d be too obvious, then it turns out he was the killer after all.

25. 1976 (R) Ford-Dole

A war hero and a football star. The only thing keeping them from being last is that Gerald Ford’s birth name is Leslie.

24. 2000 (D) Gore-Lieberman

Droopy Joe really takes things down a notch here. This was a really weird election to look back on because it’s basically the only one where stupid idiots weren’t like THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME, so the debates were primarily used to suss out which candidate was taller and had better hair. Which is why Bush won.

23. 1988 (D) Dukakis-Bentsen

Lloyd Bentsen’s old man belligerence carries them beyond Gore-Lieberman, but that’s it. The tank, oh the tank.

22. 1980 (D) Carter-Mondale

I hate to beat up on old Walt Mondale, but I mean, it’s hard to get in the mood for homoerotic Veep-on-Prez action when you know you’re going to lose by one United States of America.

21. 1996 (R) Dole-Kemp

The spark had long gone out of this one. Also, Bob Dole’s defective arm isn’t helping things. Sure he’s heroic, but how did being a returning crippled war hero work out for Lt. Wally Worthington? Not good. It turned out not good.

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