Tag Archives: Paul Ryan

2012 Vice Presidential Debate Predictions

Fresh off Obama losing the first debate so badly that he’s barely still president, Team Blue needs a jolt of energy. And who better to supply that jolt than Joltin’ Joe Biden? Well, probably someone else, but that’s who’s going to be doing the talking tonight, so deal with it. Meanwhile, Team Red counters with ill-fitting suit connoisseur Paul Ryan, who’s so devoted to budget austerity that he believes having your full name be over ten letters long is wasteful spending.

But who’s going to win? America! Joe Biden is one of those old timey Ted Kennedy Democrats who remind you, oh yeah, people in this party used to care about stuff like The Poor and enjoyed employing Shameless Populism, whereas Paul Ryan is a combination of Anton Chigurh and the Terminator, sent from the future to early 1980s Texas to kill all government programs because he’s certain that any growth in the federal government will lead to Skynet’s robots trampling our skulls.

So, um, who’s going to win? Time for a good ol’ fashioned breakdown.

Biden will win

  • Because Ryan will be exhausted from trying to run a marathon on a treadmill during the hour and a half debate “just to prove to you all that I can.”
  • When Ryan, after launching into a closing statement designed to show his empathy with common Americans, accidentally says the word “übermensch” four times
  • If he can nail Paul Ryan to his budget, whose severe cuts to Medicare and Social Security are wildly unpopular while defending Obama’s record as more successful than it is credited for.
  • When Paul Ryan walks right into his “losersayswhat” trap.
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2012 Presidential Election Q + A

Like Mitt Romney, I still don’t know who let those dastardly dogs out, but I can turn all your other election questions into answers. Or at least answered questions, which is the next best thing.

What’s the worst (legal) thing Obama could do in these last few months of the campaign and still have a chance to win?

I’m torn between two things: one, if he was Tiger Woodsing out this whole time with a bunch of blonde bimbos, that would certainly hurt him with independent voters. Still, I’m going to say if he announces his conversion to Islam,  he would still have a shot at winning. It wouldn’t be a great one, but such a hilariously high percentage already thinks he’s a Muslim that it might not be so bad. That would be way more damaging politically than if he re-killed Vince Foster or something else that at least seems Tough on Terror.

And Romney?

I’m not sure Romney isn’t actively trying to answer this question. I mean, “accidentally reveal that he thinks half of Americans are worthless hoboes in front of a secret audience of rich people,” would seem to be about as far as he can go.

On the other hand, if the economy takes a severe downturn on Obama in the next few months, there’s basically no limitation to what Romney could say he intends to do as president. Mandatory Mormon Re-Education camps? Invasion of the UK? Marie Osmond named Poet Laureate? Re-writing Rocky IV so that Drago wins? It won’t matter, because voters will be all “I’m more focused on jobs,” and that’ll be that.

What’s the loser going go do afterwards?

If Romney loses, he’ll just keep running for President for a few years (old habits die hard). After that, I hope he combines his greatest passions and organizes the Cayman Islands’ winning Olympic bid for 2032.

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Ranking the Last 40 Years in Presidential Tickets by Sexual Tension

Like the title says. We’re keeping it recent because otherwise it’s too much work, and there’s no drama due to the unstoppable love affair that was 1856’s Buchanan-Breckinridge ticket. The electricity between those two. My word. Quibble with the rankings all you like, but remember that these are the true and factual rankings.

26. 1984 (D) Mondale-Ferraro

I mean, look at them. He looks like the creepy old guy from a suspense movie who you think is the serial killer, but then you’re like, no, he’s too creepy, it’d be too obvious, then it turns out he was the killer after all.

25. 1976 (R) Ford-Dole

A war hero and a football star. The only thing keeping them from being last is that Gerald Ford’s birth name is Leslie.

24. 2000 (D) Gore-Lieberman

Droopy Joe really takes things down a notch here. This was a really weird election to look back on because it’s basically the only one where stupid idiots weren’t like THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR LIFETIME, so the debates were primarily used to suss out which candidate was taller and had better hair. Which is why Bush won.

23. 1988 (D) Dukakis-Bentsen

Lloyd Bentsen’s old man belligerence carries them beyond Gore-Lieberman, but that’s it. The tank, oh the tank.

22. 1980 (D) Carter-Mondale

I hate to beat up on old Walt Mondale, but I mean, it’s hard to get in the mood for homoerotic Veep-on-Prez action when you know you’re going to lose by one United States of America.

21. 1996 (R) Dole-Kemp

The spark had long gone out of this one. Also, Bob Dole’s defective arm isn’t helping things. Sure he’s heroic, but how did being a returning crippled war hero work out for Lt. Wally Worthington? Not good. It turned out not good.

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