Goodbye, Yellow Brick Bro’d: The End-Tourage

I don’t know why I watch Entourage. It’s, I think, a comedy, but I don’t think I’ve ever intentionally laughed at something on it that was intended to be a joke.

Fat Turtle. Furtle.

It can’t be a drama, because it’s main character’s arc over the course of eight (8!) season is this: Vince gets cast in Queens Boulevard, it’s a hit, gets cast in AQUAMAN, it’s the biggest hit ever, though he doesn’t end up with Mandy Moore. Vince chooses Medellin over Aquaman 2, Medellin fails, he changes agents, then goes back to Ari. Vince doesn’t get to make Danger Beach, he does get to make Smoke Jumpers–except that he gets fired. Then: the saga that was SCORSESE’S GATSBY, followed by Vince having a drug/porn star problem that he conquers after like two episodes in season 8. Lastly, Vince has an interview with Vanity Fair and then marries the story’s reporter for no reason. He is always happy, especially at the end.

I defy anyone to describe any of Vince’s (non-physical) characteristics. Generally when the show needs viewers to feel a specific way about him, Turtle or someone says, “Vinny, you’re the nicest guy I know,” or “Vin, you’ve always treated us like family,” or “Vinny, you are so smart.” I honestly don’t even know if Vince was supposed to be an actually good actor. I’m pretty sure Aquaman would’ve been a hit without him, as evidenced by the studio’s willingness to replace him with the Prince of Persia: Sands of Time guy on the sequel.

So, why is this show so eminently watchable? I just don’t know. Nevertheless, here’s a glorious recap of the series finale.

Vince drops the big news: “I think I’m getting married.” Hmmm… Perhaps he should know this? Anyway, Jonathan Dramaturgy responds by asking, “What, was the sex that good?” An entirely appropriate question to ask a man of his new bride! Oh yeah, Turtle just reminded us of when they made that video of some of Vince’s exes and had them testify as to how awesome he is, and that won this sophisticated woman over. What woman doesn’t love seeing a potential love interest’s exes arranged in a Brady Bunch-style 3X3 box?

Sippin’ on Some Sizzurp

And Sloane’s pregnant. Hooray!

Meanwhile at Ari’s office, someone decided it’d be a good idea to have Mike Ditka and Barry Alvarez flex their acting chops. Truly the culmination of a masterful series. Barbara claims that the coaches could potentially bring in some very big clients. Who exactly is Mike Ditka bringing in? And Barry Alvarez is a college coach. His players are amateurs and so openly talking about recruiting them is a pretty easy way to make sure you never sign any recruits ever. Good idea: let’s compromise our right to work in the sporting world over Montee Ball.

Ari’s wife enters, wearing an entirely realistic dress for a mother of a recent high school graduate. She wants to tell the kids about the divorce. I’m sure that will happen and that Ari will learn a valuable lesson: you can’t spend your entire life neglecting your family, only to make a last-ditch effort and win them back and have everything be OK. I’m sure that’s where this is headed. I’m just… I’m just sure of it.

Maybe close the door when having divorce conversations?

Meanwhile, Eric “E” is leaving his office in a highly unrealistic manner. Why wouldn’t he just take all the golf clubs out together, perhaps in that bag right behind him designed for the very task of moving golf clubs around? Also, why is he moving? Maybe he should talk this over with his baby mama before quitting a company that he co-founded and leaving dozens of people in the lurch.

But Vince wants Eric “E” to be his best man. Why are these people best friends? Eric “E” always speaks so sternly to Vince, and everyone, for that matter. He is comprehensively unlikeable, and Vince is boring. Whatever.


Turtle and Vince try to convince Sloane to go to Vince’s wedding, making reference to her pregnancy as “our baby.” This scene is especially notable for Sloane’s fake laughter when Jonathan Dramaturgy touches her belly. They then lie to her about Eric “E” having sex with Melinda, Sloane’s ex-stepmother. Less than 20 minutes to go, and Eric “E” is going to have to break this news and make Sloane accept that it happened. I’m sure that this won’t all be tied together in a way that makes her seem like she’s easily convinced by illogic for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile at family counseling, the therapist suggests that maybe it’s not too late for the Golds to save their marriage. That seems like a loaded proposition to irresponsibly throw out there, but hey, what can you do? It also runs counter to the therapist’s years of being insane and vindictive towards Ari. Whatever, the divorce is still on. FOR NOW!

Vince is probably moving back to New York because Eric “E” and Sloane are arbitrarily moving back to New York. This is THE CIRCLE OF LIFE if I’ve ever heard it. Remember how Billy Walsh (speaking of football coaches) used to call everyone “suit” and be all anti-capitalist and an independent spirit. Now he’s standing next to some fashion designer as Vince buys a $1.4 million ring. Again, Circle of Life.

Billy Walsh always keeps it real

Vince accidentally tells Malcolm McDowell that Eric “E” impregnated his daughter. Oops!

Meanwhile, Ari reconnects with his daughter over Italian opera transfer students. Because singing groups always end up transferring to schools in America together. While proving that he’s not an absentee and terrible father, he says the words, “When did you grow up?” to his daughter. Never mind, this guy is clearly a highly-involved parent. CASE CLOSED.

Dramaturgy, Eric “E” and Turtle go to a fancy lunch. Who’s paying for this? Vince isn’t there, and despite Turtle’s $4 million windfall–oh, Vince showed up. That was close. Malcolm McDowell threatens to kill Eric “E,” who swears angrily at Vince.

Sunglasses, Hat, Sunglasses

Back to Ari’s office where he’s frantically looking for the opera kids’ CD. Someone needs to teach those kids how to make a .zip file. Meanwhile, the office reacts entirely realistically when Lloyd plays the opera throughout the office.

They then react even more realistically when he takes his horseshoe (was this ever a thing?) and goes home.

Vince tries to convince Sloane to come to the wedding using the classic, if Eric “E” had sex with Sloane’s step-mother, it was only because he loved her too much. Well, I’m convinced. But will Sloane be?

Ari wins his wife back with some Italian pop-opera (popera < hip-hopera). The less said about this, the better. But suffice it to say they’re moving to Italy for a year. Now that’s good parenting! In your face, Ari’s son who is still in middle school! You’ll never see your friends again.

Then Ari uses a tone of voice he never has in eight years of this show and lovingly calls Lloyd “cuntier” than Barbara, while giving him those oprea kids as his first client. Although he’s already had many clients before? There’s no time to sort this out. To the tarmac!

OK, so imagine the Jackson 5 crossed with Mozart

Oh, now I see why Vince’s bride, Sophia, is so smart. She has a British accent! But wait, there’s a separate plane for Eric “E” with Sloane on it that will go anywhere in the world. But needs to be in Paris later that night? Awesome! We’ll stop in Oslo on the way there! Turtle reminds Eric “E” that he should name his baby Sal. Because they’re from Queens or The Bronx or something. Remember that? Then they don’t hug it out. Oh noes!

The last words before the credits are, “We better find someone to fuck in Paris. Ladies?”, spoken by Aaron Rowand Johnny Drama. I couldn’t have summed this show up better myself. They really should’ve just ended the series there.

But wait! There’s some post-credits excitement! Some guy calls Ari on his confusing Italyphone, then asks where he’s been. I dunno, in the place where this landline that you called is, maybe?

I’ve been chillaxing so hard I’ve forgotten how to use a phone!

Ooh, a job offer. “You want to know what heaven really is? Try being God,” says this guy who just called Ari. Wait, wasn’t the point that he was going to be a good father by moving to a different country with his children? Whatever. The series ends with him lying to his wife about the phone call. You’ll be missed, Entourage.

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